I want to make a zoo with you.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
