things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
My ATM looks so different sober.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
