no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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