I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
