Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
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she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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