Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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