i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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