Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
