This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
