youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
