You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
