I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
