nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
