I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
