Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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