You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
