Taylor Swift is so right about you.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
