I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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