I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
