Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
They took my balls.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
