dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
