Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize