I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
