That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
True strength comes from lack of pants
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