Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
