omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
