all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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