I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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