Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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