in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
