im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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