are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
