I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
