I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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