I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
