how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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