I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
no you cant smoke seaweed
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
The ass gains better be worth it
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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