so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
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You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
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Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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