i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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