This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
