I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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