you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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