end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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