I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
