Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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