Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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