One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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