I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
