my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
