your parents love me but you hate me
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Randomize
