She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
