I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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