Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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