can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
