I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
