I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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