The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
